Have you ever been sitting in your bed, trying to figure out what to write for an obscure blog, only to have an annoying bug fly past your head? Sure, we’ve all been there.
There I was, minding my own business when this stupid bug started flying past my head. I swatted at it, but it escaped my grasp. For nearly 20 minutes I sat there, trolling through Twitter while a bug flew this way and that, constantly buzzing past my ear, sitting in my light, and generally annoying the hell out of me.
At first it was a mere nuisance, but soon it got personal. The buzzing, the constant zzzzzzzzzzz as it whipped passed my head… I couldn’t take it anymore!! I jumped out of bed and began tracking the bug, preparing for its demise. But the bug was fast, and I, a mere human, was slow. With my wife looking on with a sense of awe (or a sense of “ugh, you dumbass”), I tracked that bug. It flew between the walls, between the ceiling and the floor. Nothing I tried could get the bug to sit still.
For a while there it must have looked like King Kong versus the airplanes while atop the Empire State Building. Me, pounding my chest while this little flying thing kept attacking, back and forth, buzz after irritating buzz.
At one point I thought I had him. He was there on the wall, right next to the mirror. I smashed out with both my hands as hard as I could. Alas, the bug survived. The mirror, on the other hand, did not.
It landed on the door, followed quickly by my fist. There’s a hole there now; the fly remained standing. I stomped all over the room, chasing this fly. Pretty sure I broke a toe against the side of the bed. The dog is cowering in the corner, while my wife stares at me with a look of sheer desire (or perhaps a look that says “my father was right, what was I thinking?”).
At last, the bug landed on the wall and stayed put. Like Elmer Fudd I crept slowly, purposefully, an inch at at time. Clearly the bug was tired from our little dance. Unfortunately for him, he sat within arms reach. Ever so slowly I made my way to the bug, both hands flanking the flying bastard. Finally, when I could creep no more, I SMACKED! the bug. He is now dead. The war is over. The battle has concluded. Man 1, bug 0.
The only unfortunate part of the whole affair was that my great bug hunt was done with all the windows open. And I may have been nude at the time. Damn neighbors saw the whole thing. Pretty sure they called the police. Really should have closed the blinds. Whatever, the bug is dead and in the end, isn’t that what really matters?
To be fair to the fly, my worthy opponent, I gave him a true sailors burial. The good ol’ one-flush salute. Down the drain. May the sewer gators feast upon you. You are gone now, dear bug, but I make you this one promise: If any of your damn bug family come back in my room I’ll squish their asses too!!!