Of Lawn Mowing and Panera

Mowing the lawn sucks. There, now you know my feelings on the green stuff that grows in front of our house. Don’t get me wrong, I love looking at a freshly mowed lawn, and the smell is what I spend half the winter looking forward to. But the actual act of mowing is a pain in the ass. So guess what I did when I got home today?

I guess it wouldn’t suck so bad if the bagger on our mower would actually work. Every time I mow, I have this great hope that when I’m done, the bags on the back of my expensive piece of machinery will actually be full of lush, recently cut blades of green awesomeness. Every time I’m disappointed and left raking.

After some extensive research (okay, Googling) while in the bathroom at work, I found a few things to fix the overpriced machine. So I went home excited today, quickly pulling out my mower when I got home. I put it on the mower lift, dug my hand underneath the deck and began peeling away the years of caked on grass. I couldn’t feel the grass with my gloves on, so I took them off and promptly started cutting up my hands on the blade. Through the blood and dirt I got most of the deck cleared away. I pried the bagger attachment back onto the deck and cried out in victory. For some reason the neighbors immediately went inside and closed their windows. I pulled the mower off the lift, engaged the blade and…

Damn thing still doesn’t pick up any grass. On the plus side, my Lillies are looking fantastic!

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A long afternoon of mowing lawns does make one hungry. My wife bought Panera and we used their awesome delivery service. If you haven’t used it before, you should try it out. Just don’t think it’s going to be delivered on time. Or warm.

Here’s how it works. You open their app, find what you want to eat. Find something else you may want to eat, because what you really want is “Not Available at this Time”. You enter your credit card number and submit your order. A few minutes later, you get a call saying “I’m sorry, that brownie your husband wanted after a long day of work and mowing/weed whacking the lawn is not available at this time. Can I interest you in a raisin soy cookie?”. You then get an e-mail saying your food will be at your door between 6:35 and 6:45 (it’s about 6:00 when you place the order). As an added bonus, you can now be notified when your food is on its way. Yaay!!

And then the wait begins… It gets closer to the time the food is supposed to get to your home and you still haven’t heard anything. You obsessively look at your phone, just knowing that eventually the text will come through. It’s 6:47. They’re two minutes late. 6:50. What the hell?

Finally, the text comes! Your delivery is on its way! The food has left the restaurant. It’s in a car and you can track it. Thank you, Panera app!

So you track your food. Only seven minutes until it arrives. Hell yes, only 12 minutes later than it was supposed to get there (at the latest). You’re giddy. You check the driver’s progress… as they drive the opposite direction from your home. The time, which originally said seven minutes, is now 15 minutes. What. The actual. Fuck.

The obsession is greater. You’re watching the map more intensely, watching the little Panera package driving further away from our home. You stare at it, willing it to move closer. Eventually the package starts driving the correct way… and then turns down a completely different side road. ARGH! The time ticks away. Back down to seven minutes. Finally three minutes… and zero! Your food is here, the app tells you. Two minutes later, the doorbell rings. The driver is apologetic. Your family is hungry. It’s been over an hour since you ordered your food. The restaurant is only two miles down the damn road.

Whatever, I made my own thing for dinner. Who’s up for some good old fashioned Mac & Cheese with seasoned pork?!?

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Mac & Cheese, ground pork marinated in Worcestershire sauce and ground black pepper

I’d do one of those “Mmmm Delicious” videos, but let’s face it, this is a blog that makes no money and I have two kids, so there’s no time-lapse camera rig in my future.

My food was great, the kids were eventually happy, we choked down our raisin soy cookies and all was right with the world. I even read my oldest son one of his newer books. He loved it, because Fly Guy is awesome. He loved it so much that, as we went to sleep, he gently said “Daddy, I want mommy. I’m afraid of fires”. Ahh yes, another winning bedtime for dad!

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Fly Guy is an awesome series. Highly recommend for kids!

Remember to like me on Facebook, follow me on Twitter, and love me in general.

Revenge of the Bug

As you may recall from last night’s awesome post, I spent half my evening tracking down and slaughtering a fly. Today I discovered the fly had the last laugh.

While dutifully sitting at my desk, minding my own business and trying to get work done, I sneezed. Nothing generally to worry about, but this particular sneeze was painful. My lungs, throat, everything burned in pain. And it didn’t stop. For the whole day I sneezed, and it got progressively worse. My head ached, my throat burned, my joints screamed in pain. Clearly the bug infected me with something.

I tried lozenges, which worked for a few minutes, but a fresh sneeze brought it all back. At one point I finally came to the understanding that, at its last fly breath, the bug put a curse on me.

For the rest of the day I’ve been moping around, sneezing and feeling on the verge of collapse. While trying to choke down dinner a fly came to rest on the wall nearest me. I could sense his mocking, his sense of superiority over the mere humans. “Yes”, he said, “you destroyed one of us, but we will forever mock thee”. Damn flies.

As I write this my eyes are a bit blurry and I can feel my will to live leaving me. Or maybe I’m just tired and dramatic. Either way. All I know for certain is that it’s too much of a coincidence that I destroyed the fly yesterday, and today I have a “bug”.

So be careful, my friends, for the next time you smack a stupid bug that’s buzzing around your head, it may just be planning something. A cold they will give you. Or Zika. Honestly I’ll take the cold…

It Twas a Bug

Have you ever been sitting in your bed, trying to figure out what to write for an obscure blog, only to have an annoying bug fly past your head? Sure, we’ve all been there.

There I was, minding my own business when this stupid bug started flying past my head. I swatted at it, but it escaped my grasp. For nearly 20 minutes I sat there, trolling through Twitter while a bug flew this way and that, constantly buzzing past my ear, sitting in my light, and generally annoying the hell out of me.

At first it was a mere nuisance, but soon it got personal. The buzzing, the constant zzzzzzzzzzz as it whipped passed my head… I couldn’t take it anymore!! I jumped out of bed and began tracking the bug, preparing for its demise. But the bug was fast, and I, a mere human, was slow. With my wife looking on with a sense of awe (or a sense of “ugh, you dumbass”), I tracked that bug. It flew between the walls, between the ceiling and the floor. Nothing I tried could get the bug to sit still.

For a while there it must have looked like King Kong versus the airplanes while atop the Empire State Building. Me, pounding my chest while this little flying thing kept attacking, back and forth, buzz after irritating buzz.

At one point I thought I had him. He was there on the wall, right next to the mirror. I smashed out with both my hands as hard as I could. Alas, the bug survived. The mirror, on the other hand, did not.

It landed on the door, followed quickly by my fist. There’s a hole there now; the fly remained standing. I stomped all over the room, chasing this fly. Pretty sure I broke a toe against the side of the bed. The dog is cowering in the corner, while my wife stares at me with a look of sheer desire (or perhaps a look that says “my father was right, what was I thinking?”).

At last, the bug landed on the wall and stayed put. Like Elmer Fudd I crept slowly, purposefully, an inch at at time. Clearly the bug was tired from our little dance. Unfortunately for him, he sat within arms reach. Ever so slowly I made my way to the bug, both hands flanking the flying bastard. Finally, when I could creep no more, I SMACKED! the bug. He is now dead. The war is over. The battle has concluded. Man 1, bug 0.

The only unfortunate part of the whole affair was that my great bug hunt was done with all the windows open. And I may have been nude at the time. Damn neighbors saw the whole thing. Pretty sure they called the police. Really should have closed the blinds. Whatever, the bug is dead and in the end, isn’t that what really matters?

To be fair to the fly, my worthy opponent, I gave him a true sailors burial. The good ol’ one-flush salute. Down the drain. May the sewer gators feast upon you. You are gone now, dear bug, but I make you this one promise: If any of your damn bug family come back in my room I’ll squish their asses too!!!

Opining Penguin’s Video of the Day

Yes, I get it, calling it the “video of the day” implies that I actually post one video a day. I don’t, but what else am I going to call it? Opining Penguins Video of a Random Time Period? Seriously, it doesn’t quite have the same ring to it.

Anyway, I started draining our pool this weekend, which means summer is officially over. Damn Fall, why couldn’t you just stay away for a few more months?!? Granted, it was in the 70s today, and it’ll be in the 80s this week, but eventually it’ll get cold and that’s just not right.

On a side note, the other day my wife and I were shopping for various things online. She bought shoes, I bought more RAM for my slow computer. Because I’m tired of it being slow, I paid the extra $10 for 2nd day shipping. My wife, being a bit more patient, opted for standard shipping (or so she tells me).

We both bought our respective items Thursday night and both shipped on Friday. My wife got her crap today, on a Sunday. Mine doesn’t arrive until Tuesday. What the hell is the point of paying for 2nd day shipping when it takes three business days? Friday was the first day, so Monday should be the second. Buncha jerks. And of course my wife was out parading around in her new shoes, while I was stuck with a slow computer. BAH!!

Whatever, here’s the video I was talking about. It’s three years old, but it’s new to me. Enjoy!

 

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