My Day at the 5K

Today was a glorious moment in my life. Every year, on this day, my company organizes a 5K Run, with the added bonus of a walk for those little humans who cannot run. Being the great family man that I am, I brought along my wife and kids to join in the fun.

The 5K had a lot of great events for the children. There were superheroes, face tattoos, and even mascots from local sports teams. The kids loved it, the people at the event loved it, it was a great time.

With the horn about to sound, we all lined up at the starting gate. The energy was palpable. Everyone was anxious, ready for it to start. Then, suddenly, the horn sounded and we were off.

I left my family behind in the crowd. It only seemed right, they were just going to hold me back. I took off like a man possessed. I wanted to win. To come in second was to be a failure. If I didn’t win, I would feel only shame.

I started off on a good pace. Sure there were a few people in front of me, but I was keeping up pretty well. I didn’t feel winded. I felt on top of the world. Everything went well for the first few kilometers. I was near the front of the line, people were cheering me on. Life was good.

Then it all fell apart. I stumbled a bit, tripping over a pot hole. Pretty sure that I wrenched my ankle. I was hobbling for a bit and suddenly fell behind. More than 20 people were now in front of me and the end was near. I was going to lose and I was pissed.

So I forgot the pain. I picked myself up and started a fast walk. Five more people passed me. I started moving faster. 10 more people passed me. I started to job, the pain shooting through my leg. Another few people passed me, so I started to run. My ankle was killing me, but it didn’t matter.

My pace quickened and I started pulling past people. The end gate was in site. I could still do this… I started running as fast as I could. The pain was terrible. I turned my head and vomited as I passed another runner. I really am sorry that it got all over him, but really he should have gotten out of the way.

Only a few runners in front of me and the gate was mere meters away. I gave it my all, running as fast as I could, pushing my body to the limit. Only one runner left to beat and the end was right in front of me. I could hear my ankle popping and cracking where a compound fracture had formed. Blood streamed from my leg, leaving a trail of horror. I caught up to the last runner. We were neck-in-neck. I looked at him, he looked at me, and at that moment I knew what I had to do.

I feigned tripping, which with my fractured ankle was not much of a stretch. As I “tripped”, I bumped into my competition, sending him crashing into a nearby light post. Moments later, to the sounds of overwhelming cheers, I crossed the finish line! I had won. The day was mine.

The medics immediately looked at my leg and found that it was so damaged that it would have to be amputated. At least one medic passed out looking at the break. I didn’t think it was that bad, but what are you going to do? What mattered was that, in the end, I was victorious!

Just kidding. I was one of the walkers. But I used my FitBit and it was awesome!

I Suck at Golfing

Instead of working today, my department thought it would be fun to have a golf outing. So basically, if you needed anything to get done, you could count on it not happening.

I used to be a casual golfer years ago. Then I had kids and the golf train quickly became a golf tortoise. More like a tortoise statue. Basically, I haven’t picked up a club (aside from moving them from one house to another) in over six years. And let’s be fair, I wasn’t that good to start with.

When I got out there today, I tried to remember all of my lessons. Knees bent? CHECK! Head down? CHECK! Keep your eyes on the ball when you hit it? SHIT! I’ll remember that the next shot. Or not… Maybe I’ll remember that ever five shots. Maybe not.

Admittedly, I got better as I went along. I hit a couple of good shots, most of which actually made it into the air. Pretty sure I had a good couple of putts, too. On the whole, though, I realized that I really am a crappy golfer. Maybe one day I’ll get lessons and not suck so bad, but for now I’m glad that Fall is here so I don’t have to worry about looking like a jackass in front of other golfers.

Oh, and I’m sore as hell now. I forgot how many muscles were used when you golf, even when it’s crappy golf.

Revenge of the Bug

As you may recall from last night’s awesome post, I spent half my evening tracking down and slaughtering a fly. Today I discovered the fly had the last laugh.

While dutifully sitting at my desk, minding my own business and trying to get work done, I sneezed. Nothing generally to worry about, but this particular sneeze was painful. My lungs, throat, everything burned in pain. And it didn’t stop. For the whole day I sneezed, and it got progressively worse. My head ached, my throat burned, my joints screamed in pain. Clearly the bug infected me with something.

I tried lozenges, which worked for a few minutes, but a fresh sneeze brought it all back. At one point I finally came to the understanding that, at its last fly breath, the bug put a curse on me.

For the rest of the day I’ve been moping around, sneezing and feeling on the verge of collapse. While trying to choke down dinner a fly came to rest on the wall nearest me. I could sense his mocking, his sense of superiority over the mere humans. “Yes”, he said, “you destroyed one of us, but we will forever mock thee”. Damn flies.

As I write this my eyes are a bit blurry and I can feel my will to live leaving me. Or maybe I’m just tired and dramatic. Either way. All I know for certain is that it’s too much of a coincidence that I destroyed the fly yesterday, and today I have a “bug”.

So be careful, my friends, for the next time you smack a stupid bug that’s buzzing around your head, it may just be planning something. A cold they will give you. Or Zika. Honestly I’ll take the cold…

It Twas a Bug

Have you ever been sitting in your bed, trying to figure out what to write for an obscure blog, only to have an annoying bug fly past your head? Sure, we’ve all been there.

There I was, minding my own business when this stupid bug started flying past my head. I swatted at it, but it escaped my grasp. For nearly 20 minutes I sat there, trolling through Twitter while a bug flew this way and that, constantly buzzing past my ear, sitting in my light, and generally annoying the hell out of me.

At first it was a mere nuisance, but soon it got personal. The buzzing, the constant zzzzzzzzzzz as it whipped passed my head… I couldn’t take it anymore!! I jumped out of bed and began tracking the bug, preparing for its demise. But the bug was fast, and I, a mere human, was slow. With my wife looking on with a sense of awe (or a sense of “ugh, you dumbass”), I tracked that bug. It flew between the walls, between the ceiling and the floor. Nothing I tried could get the bug to sit still.

For a while there it must have looked like King Kong versus the airplanes while atop the Empire State Building. Me, pounding my chest while this little flying thing kept attacking, back and forth, buzz after irritating buzz.

At one point I thought I had him. He was there on the wall, right next to the mirror. I smashed out with both my hands as hard as I could. Alas, the bug survived. The mirror, on the other hand, did not.

It landed on the door, followed quickly by my fist. There’s a hole there now; the fly remained standing. I stomped all over the room, chasing this fly. Pretty sure I broke a toe against the side of the bed. The dog is cowering in the corner, while my wife stares at me with a look of sheer desire (or perhaps a look that says “my father was right, what was I thinking?”).

At last, the bug landed on the wall and stayed put. Like Elmer Fudd I crept slowly, purposefully, an inch at at time. Clearly the bug was tired from our little dance. Unfortunately for him, he sat within arms reach. Ever so slowly I made my way to the bug, both hands flanking the flying bastard. Finally, when I could creep no more, I SMACKED! the bug. He is now dead. The war is over. The battle has concluded. Man 1, bug 0.

The only unfortunate part of the whole affair was that my great bug hunt was done with all the windows open. And I may have been nude at the time. Damn neighbors saw the whole thing. Pretty sure they called the police. Really should have closed the blinds. Whatever, the bug is dead and in the end, isn’t that what really matters?

To be fair to the fly, my worthy opponent, I gave him a true sailors burial. The good ol’ one-flush salute. Down the drain. May the sewer gators feast upon you. You are gone now, dear bug, but I make you this one promise: If any of your damn bug family come back in my room I’ll squish their asses too!!!

Opining Penguin’s Video of the Day

Yes, I get it, calling it the “video of the day” implies that I actually post one video a day. I don’t, but what else am I going to call it? Opining Penguins Video of a Random Time Period? Seriously, it doesn’t quite have the same ring to it.

Anyway, I started draining our pool this weekend, which means summer is officially over. Damn Fall, why couldn’t you just stay away for a few more months?!? Granted, it was in the 70s today, and it’ll be in the 80s this week, but eventually it’ll get cold and that’s just not right.

On a side note, the other day my wife and I were shopping for various things online. She bought shoes, I bought more RAM for my slow computer. Because I’m tired of it being slow, I paid the extra $10 for 2nd day shipping. My wife, being a bit more patient, opted for standard shipping (or so she tells me).

We both bought our respective items Thursday night and both shipped on Friday. My wife got her crap today, on a Sunday. Mine doesn’t arrive until Tuesday. What the hell is the point of paying for 2nd day shipping when it takes three business days? Friday was the first day, so Monday should be the second. Buncha jerks. And of course my wife was out parading around in her new shoes, while I was stuck with a slow computer. BAH!!

Whatever, here’s the video I was talking about. It’s three years old, but it’s new to me. Enjoy!

 

I Hate my Layout

I’ve been using the same layout on this page for a couple of years now. I know, I haven’t really been writing anything for a couple of years, but still, it’s been the same layout. I hate this layout. It looks amateurish.

Not that anyone cares. Seriously, my site traffic only has eight views in the past 48 hours and seven of those views are my refreshing the site in Google’s Porn Mode (sorry, “privacy mode”). Pretty sure the eighth is my wife looking at what I posted last night.

I blame my boring layout on my lack of posting for the last few years. Yup, that’s what I’m going with. The boring site design doesn’t motivate me enough to care. If you read yesterday’s post, you’ll know that’s not really the case. I’m just an overworked dad.

What I’m really trying to say is that I’m going to screw around with different themes. Tired of this looking like a 14 year old girl’s MySpace page (for those young-folks reading this, MySpace used to be awesome, but now it’s crap).

 

 

 

Opining Penguin Begins

In the spirit of all good things nowadays, I’m rebooting my little blog. And much like most reboots, it’s something no one really asked for in the first place.

When I originally started this blog, my goal was to talk about random political crap and become the next Limbaugh. Okay, so not that big, more of a Greg Gutfeld’s younger brother’s best friend’s cousin’s sister’s lonely uncle. Either way, it was a place for me to vent my sarcasm on the political world. Then I made a realization: I have kids and a real job, and I really don’t have that kind of time.

So here we are in rebootville. I haven’t written anything in about a year and a half. In that time I’ve had a kid join and leave preschool, another start talking non-stop, and I’ve developed an unhealthy obsession with wet burritos from a local taco shop. I guess it’s not that unhealthy, when I think about it, but if I had to sell one of my kidneys to afford just one more burrito, I would consider it.

In my off time when I’m not writing on this blog I found myself watching a lot of TV, and enjoying every minute of it. Being a parent is hard work, and after a long day at work and getting the kids fed, bathed, and to sleep, you really want nothing more than a stiff drink and the chance to sit in your favorite chair. Unfortunately I’m usually too tired to even pour the drink, so I sit comfortably with an empty glass, lamenting my utter laziness.

To quote a show my wife and I have recently started getting caught up on (Game of Thrones, you may have heard of it), “winter is coming”, which means my lazy ass might actually start to take the time to write a bit more often. What can you expect? My opinions on random crap, mostly, with blunt sarcasm and stupid humor littered throughout.

Will I start tweeting again? Maybe, but given the current political climate all I ever see on my feed is Hillary this, Hillary that, and frankly I’d rather gouge my eyes out with a rusty fork. And then there’s Trump. Personally I have nothing against the man, aside from his might bit of insanity. But what’s a little bit of crazy between friends? Honestly, given his penchant for naming things after himself, my only real worry is that he will eventually rename the country the United Trump States of America, where the president sits in the Trump White House (and Casino).

Anyway, that’s all I have for today. Here’s hoping I’m man enough to keep this going, otherwise I’m going to have to come back in another year or two and “delete” yet another post or two.

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