Daily Dose of Dip Weed

On my Facebook page I’ve been sharing my “Dip Weed” of the day, usually in the form of a link to another site. Today my Dip Weed of the day is from a local parking garage.

Not only is this person parked over the line, they’ve been parked that way since yesterday afternoon… in a 3 Hour Maximum parking space. I’m wondering if it will still be there tomorrow, or if it will finally be towed…


Bringing Joy to our Home

There’s a certain joy I get in life by playing with my kids. Equally so, there’s a great deal of joy to be had by terrorizing my poor wife.

Take today, for example. My loving wife was getting ready for her yearly awards ceremony and had her clothes draped over the door. While she was in the bathroom, I stealthily crept up to her clothes and hid a small rubber snake in the collar, tucked under one of her scarves. Running to one of the other rooms, I waited for the eventual carnage.

The thing to understand about my wife is that she has this natural instinct to know when I’m doing something stupid. She then takes her time getting to whatever trap I’ve set for her. Needless to say, it took about 10 minutes for the “AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!”, followed quickly by “you son of a…”.

My boys absolutely loved it and couldn’t stop laughing, while my wife was clutching a paper bag in her hand, breathing heavily. The next 20 minutes were spent with the boys chasing her with their stuffed animal snakes and trying to continually scare her.

Sure, it got old after a while, but once she finds the next hidden snake it’s going to be funny as hell. Unless she screams so loud she wakes the neighborhood, that might make for a tricky night…

On another note, I have a new Facebook page to share with the world. Come find and like my page https://www.facebook.com/OpiningPenguin!

My Day at the 5K

Today was a glorious moment in my life. Every year, on this day, my company organizes a 5K Run, with the added bonus of a walk for those little humans who cannot run. Being the great family man that I am, I brought along my wife and kids to join in the fun.

The 5K had a lot of great events for the children. There were superheroes, face tattoos, and even mascots from local sports teams. The kids loved it, the people at the event loved it, it was a great time.

With the horn about to sound, we all lined up at the starting gate. The energy was palpable. Everyone was anxious, ready for it to start. Then, suddenly, the horn sounded and we were off.

I left my family behind in the crowd. It only seemed right, they were just going to hold me back. I took off like a man possessed. I wanted to win. To come in second was to be a failure. If I didn’t win, I would feel only shame.

I started off on a good pace. Sure there were a few people in front of me, but I was keeping up pretty well. I didn’t feel winded. I felt on top of the world. Everything went well for the first few kilometers. I was near the front of the line, people were cheering me on. Life was good.

Then it all fell apart. I stumbled a bit, tripping over a pot hole. Pretty sure that I wrenched my ankle. I was hobbling for a bit and suddenly fell behind. More than 20 people were now in front of me and the end was near. I was going to lose and I was pissed.

So I forgot the pain. I picked myself up and started a fast walk. Five more people passed me. I started moving faster. 10 more people passed me. I started to job, the pain shooting through my leg. Another few people passed me, so I started to run. My ankle was killing me, but it didn’t matter.

My pace quickened and I started pulling past people. The end gate was in site. I could still do this… I started running as fast as I could. The pain was terrible. I turned my head and vomited as I passed another runner. I really am sorry that it got all over him, but really he should have gotten out of the way.

Only a few runners in front of me and the gate was mere meters away. I gave it my all, running as fast as I could, pushing my body to the limit. Only one runner left to beat and the end was right in front of me. I could hear my ankle popping and cracking where a compound fracture had formed. Blood streamed from my leg, leaving a trail of horror. I caught up to the last runner. We were neck-in-neck. I looked at him, he looked at me, and at that moment I knew what I had to do.

I feigned tripping, which with my fractured ankle was not much of a stretch. As I “tripped”, I bumped into my competition, sending him crashing into a nearby light post. Moments later, to the sounds of overwhelming cheers, I crossed the finish line! I had won. The day was mine.

The medics immediately looked at my leg and found that it was so damaged that it would have to be amputated. At least one medic passed out looking at the break. I didn’t think it was that bad, but what are you going to do? What mattered was that, in the end, I was victorious!

Just kidding. I was one of the walkers. But I used my FitBit and it was awesome!

I Suck at Golfing

Instead of working today, my department thought it would be fun to have a golf outing. So basically, if you needed anything to get done, you could count on it not happening.

I used to be a casual golfer years ago. Then I had kids and the golf train quickly became a golf tortoise. More like a tortoise statue. Basically, I haven’t picked up a club (aside from moving them from one house to another) in over six years. And let’s be fair, I wasn’t that good to start with.

When I got out there today, I tried to remember all of my lessons. Knees bent? CHECK! Head down? CHECK! Keep your eyes on the ball when you hit it? SHIT! I’ll remember that the next shot. Or not… Maybe I’ll remember that ever five shots. Maybe not.

Admittedly, I got better as I went along. I hit a couple of good shots, most of which actually made it into the air. Pretty sure I had a good couple of putts, too. On the whole, though, I realized that I really am a crappy golfer. Maybe one day I’ll get lessons and not suck so bad, but for now I’m glad that Fall is here so I don’t have to worry about looking like a jackass in front of other golfers.

Oh, and I’m sore as hell now. I forgot how many muscles were used when you golf, even when it’s crappy golf.

Revenge of the Bug

As you may recall from last night’s awesome post, I spent half my evening tracking down and slaughtering a fly. Today I discovered the fly had the last laugh.

While dutifully sitting at my desk, minding my own business and trying to get work done, I sneezed. Nothing generally to worry about, but this particular sneeze was painful. My lungs, throat, everything burned in pain. And it didn’t stop. For the whole day I sneezed, and it got progressively worse. My head ached, my throat burned, my joints screamed in pain. Clearly the bug infected me with something.

I tried lozenges, which worked for a few minutes, but a fresh sneeze brought it all back. At one point I finally came to the understanding that, at its last fly breath, the bug put a curse on me.

For the rest of the day I’ve been moping around, sneezing and feeling on the verge of collapse. While trying to choke down dinner a fly came to rest on the wall nearest me. I could sense his mocking, his sense of superiority over the mere humans. “Yes”, he said, “you destroyed one of us, but we will forever mock thee”. Damn flies.

As I write this my eyes are a bit blurry and I can feel my will to live leaving me. Or maybe I’m just tired and dramatic. Either way. All I know for certain is that it’s too much of a coincidence that I destroyed the fly yesterday, and today I have a “bug”.

So be careful, my friends, for the next time you smack a stupid bug that’s buzzing around your head, it may just be planning something. A cold they will give you. Or Zika. Honestly I’ll take the cold…

I Hate my Layout

I’ve been using the same layout on this page for a couple of years now. I know, I haven’t really been writing anything for a couple of years, but still, it’s been the same layout. I hate this layout. It looks amateurish.

Not that anyone cares. Seriously, my site traffic only has eight views in the past 48 hours and seven of those views are my refreshing the site in Google’s Porn Mode (sorry, “privacy mode”). Pretty sure the eighth is my wife looking at what I posted last night.

I blame my boring layout on my lack of posting for the last few years. Yup, that’s what I’m going with. The boring site design doesn’t motivate me enough to care. If you read yesterday’s post, you’ll know that’s not really the case. I’m just an overworked dad.

What I’m really trying to say is that I’m going to screw around with different themes. Tired of this looking like a 14 year old girl’s MySpace page (for those young-folks reading this, MySpace used to be awesome, but now it’s crap).




Opining Penguin Begins

In the spirit of all good things nowadays, I’m rebooting my little blog. And much like most reboots, it’s something no one really asked for in the first place.

When I originally started this blog, my goal was to talk about random political crap and become the next Limbaugh. Okay, so not that big, more of a Greg Gutfeld’s younger brother’s best friend’s cousin’s sister’s lonely uncle. Either way, it was a place for me to vent my sarcasm on the political world. Then I made a realization: I have kids and a real job, and I really don’t have that kind of time.

So here we are in rebootville. I haven’t written anything in about a year and a half. In that time I’ve had a kid join and leave preschool, another start talking non-stop, and I’ve developed an unhealthy obsession with wet burritos from a local taco shop. I guess it’s not that unhealthy, when I think about it, but if I had to sell one of my kidneys to afford just one more burrito, I would consider it.

In my off time when I’m not writing on this blog I found myself watching a lot of TV, and enjoying every minute of it. Being a parent is hard work, and after a long day at work and getting the kids fed, bathed, and to sleep, you really want nothing more than a stiff drink and the chance to sit in your favorite chair. Unfortunately I’m usually too tired to even pour the drink, so I sit comfortably with an empty glass, lamenting my utter laziness.

To quote a show my wife and I have recently started getting caught up on (Game of Thrones, you may have heard of it), “winter is coming”, which means my lazy ass might actually start to take the time to write a bit more often. What can you expect? My opinions on random crap, mostly, with blunt sarcasm and stupid humor littered throughout.

Will I start tweeting again? Maybe, but given the current political climate all I ever see on my feed is Hillary this, Hillary that, and frankly I’d rather gouge my eyes out with a rusty fork. And then there’s Trump. Personally I have nothing against the man, aside from his might bit of insanity. But what’s a little bit of crazy between friends? Honestly, given his penchant for naming things after himself, my only real worry is that he will eventually rename the country the United Trump States of America, where the president sits in the Trump White House (and Casino).

Anyway, that’s all I have for today. Here’s hoping I’m man enough to keep this going, otherwise I’m going to have to come back in another year or two and “delete” yet another post or two.

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